Disclaimer: This is a difficult topic to talk (and write) about. This experience is uniquely mine and in sharing it, I hope will help someone else feel a little less alone.
On Struggling To Get Pregnant a Second Time
Eight months have come and gone in what feels like both forever and an instant.
When we began trying to get pregnant this past August, I had everything planned and figured out in my mind. I will be pregnant by September or October for another May or June baby, I thought. A late spring newborn was perfect, warm enough weather to walk outside, but not too hot yet in Vermont. No crazy winter illnesses circulating and the fresh, new air of springs arrival. Now, here I am, late March and still not pregnant.
We got pregnant immediately with our first baby. Almost too quick.
We had been married less than a month and just moved into a new house. We started casually trying for a baby right away thinking things might take a while. But then suddenly, I was pregnant and off we went into parenthood. It was quite the whirlwind between COVID, freshly married, new house and a baby on the way. I figured the 2nd time around would be the same. So we carefully planned to wait until our first was 18-months before trying. Mostly because that’s the magic number all the doctors say it takes for your body to recover from pregnancy and childbirth right?!
Clearly my body had other plans…
I have wanted a baby so desperately, that I have neglected the warning signs my body has been sending me. Struggling with dietary issues, chronic low back pain, pelvic floor health and more, but yet we have continued to try for a baby each month, while my body is screaming back at me, “I AM NOT OKAY!” The last 8 months have been transformative. I have taken leaps and bounds to fix my body but unfortunately these things take time and if the body is not ready, it can’t be forced. Feeling out of control is one of my biggest fears– as it is for so many.
The act of trying to get pregnant and waiting each month, wondering if the symptoms are PMS or pregnancy symptoms is excruciating and one of the biggest tests in being completely and utterly OUT. OF. CONTROL. Each month, one week before I get my period, I head into a complete mind-fuck.
“I have wanted a baby so desperately, that I have neglected the warning signs my body has been sending me.”
Gosh, I’m crabby this morning, oh I must be about to get my period, or wait does it feel different, is this pregnancy moodiness? Why do I want to rip off my husband’s head? Is that PMS or am I pregnant? There is a little blood in my underwear, is that spotting or my period starting? Man, I am craving a bowl of ice cream tonight! Could that be a pregnancy craving!?
Seriously, whoever invented pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms should have differentiated a little more. Help a girl out!
Here I am, 8 months later and still not pregnant.
I don’t have any exciting news to share or motivating words of wisdom about how it all turned out great in the end. We so often choose to share our struggles once we have gotten through the worst of it. Once things are all tied up in a neat and tidy bow. But there is power in sharing things when they are still raw and fresh–when we are in the thick of it and feeling like we are trudging through the mud. It’s mud season here in Vermont, so I’m doing that in more ways than one.
It is only considered infertility after trying for 1 year. So there is still plenty of time and resources to begin to utilize. I know so many people try for years without success and it is just completely heartbreaking and so dang frustrating. I have so much empathy and compassion for anyone who is or has ever had to go through the difficulty of getting pregnant, because it can make you feel so alone and helpless. It can make you feel like you are faulty and there is something wrong with you. It can make you feel like you aren’t good enough or that you don’t deserve it. It is so emotionally taxing and hard.
When you are struggling to conceive social media can be so toxic and bad for your mental health.
Scrolling to see everyone’s birth announcements, gender reveals, maternity shoots, ultrasounds, etc. can make you want to scream and shout. Why them and why not me?
Two of my best friends got pregnant right when I had “planned” to this fall. They are now due to have their babies in a month or two. And while I am so happy for them, it is hard to know I could have been right there with them. This was supposed to be something we went through together and I feel like I have missed the boat. They sailed off into the sunset and I am still stuck on the island.
I am so fortunate to have the most amazing sweet little boy. I have had thoughts recently of what if he is our only child and that is hard to grapple with. My husband and I always talked about having 3 and so thinking that there won’t be more breaks my heart. But in another sense, I am so grateful that we were able to have one that we can love so much with our whole entire heart.
I don’t know what the future holds and honestly, I need to come to terms with that.
It’s out of my control and that almost brings a little bit of peace. I need to trust that what’s meant to be, will be. Let go of the reigns and just take care of myself with hopes that as my body continues to heal, maybe just maybe, it will open to growing a new life.
Things That Have Helped Me While Struggling to Get Pregnant a Second Time
- Sharing my struggles with family and friends.
- Taking a break from trying for a month.
- Trying not to monitor my cycle too closely.
- Taking care of myself. Nourishing and moving my body and resting when needed.
- Continuing to live my life and not putting my life on hold.
- Scheduling regular appointments with my therapist.
- Dry needling, Chiro and PT for chronic pain.
- Seeing a nutritionist.
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